Name:Thuy Country:United States State:California Birthday:12/28/1983 Gender:Female
Interests:Things that make life interesting and worth living. I also enjoy the actions of living and being able to have intelligence. Expertise:Being a witness to what life has to offer me Occupation:A scizophrenic drop out entrep Industry:loving it, but it ain't loving
It's been a rough few years battling in fear, rememberance, honesty and anger with my problems like messed up relationships, near death feelings and experiences, losing friends, and trying to gain the faith to overcome. I'm readjusting and relearning what life is all about. I'm learning what it means to be happy but take initative and be self sufficent and responsible. It's just it's hard when you feel or prove to yourself that you don't have the means to financially. It's okay though. I'm living and being okay. Being okay is a sacred feeling. I've gone through crying periods and screaming periods and bad health periods. There were times I cried til I puked and my mom was gonna call the police on me if I didn't stop crying. I am trying to find truth in my life and living for what's sacred and still there. I don't know if I'm good to find a job. I feel like I'm such a quitter. I have trouble finding routine. This is hard when you're really dealing with life and symptoms in illness. I'm getting better. That's all I care about other than my loved ones. I feel okay. reflecting on last year and realizing my wants and dreams and then realizing my limitations and why these things might never happen for me, I feel this strange sense of helplessness and peace. It's settling but it's okay. I'm going to be okay. I'm listening to my body and realizing that I really feel like sleeping most days instead of doing much else. I think I'm starting to relive high school. Smiling and talking isn't natural anymore, but I guess it's a compromise because at least I'm not being symptomatic or talking to myself. I working on things like acceptance and honesty. For a long time, I was working on the words patience and providence. I think I'll be okay though. I am working on not blaming others. It's hard because when in the middle of things it's hard to admit when it's my fault. I'm okay that I mess up now. I'm trying to stay out of toxic environments. Life is okay.
*DeBug Summer Media Academy- I'm teaching a workshop at Silicon Valley Debug on Tuesdays and Thursdays around 3-5 pm. Come! Its free! There's a lot of other classes there too like baking, black and white photography, mixing music and mural painting. If you take my class, bring something to draw with and a sketch book or a clip board with xerox paper.
>There's a couple galleries I have coming up if you'd like to come see. <
*slide show of my work at Fighting for our lives- Real Healthcare Reform in 2009- Sunday, June 28th, 2009 -First Unitarian Church, 160 N. 3rd St. San Jose, CA 95112
*exhibiting paintings and photos - MoonBeam Coffee House- on Snell Ave and Cottle Road. in South San Jose, CA It's in the same plaza with 24 hour fitness ( the gym)
SJSU VSA BUN RIEU & BALUT NIGHT!!!
Come and taste the new cabinet's cooking abilities!!
Hey folks, So it's the 36 again! We wanna do it this
Friday, June 19th, at 5PM. Weknow it's short notice, but can you do it? If not, let's do it NEXT Friday,June 26th. Hit me back and let me know. The theme.....Have yall been keeping up with how the San Jose Police Officers Associationis trying to intimidate people who got issues and negative experiences withthe police and saying how we're a "threat"? They've been calling Raj andDebug a threat! This is just another intimidation tactic by the SJPOA toscare people into not speaking out. So we wanna go around San Jose and get folks to take a picture with a signthat says "I am not intimidated by the SJPOA's tactics". Or a cool signlike that. :) Let us know if you're down! Its an open invitation for anyone and everyone who likes to take pictures..... :) isabel and charisse (partners for life)
End Pride month with a bang!!!!! Tropica Erotica The Pacific Islander Pride Party
Sunday June 28th 2009 10pm-til the sun comes up Everyone is invited The Garage@1718 8th Street, between Willow and Wood West Oakland,Ca 94607 Couple blocks away from West Oakland BART
End of Pride Month party Hella Drinks,music,food,and fun Womyn,Men,Men/Womyn,
It's a Viet movie. I don't know if you'd like it but check out the trailer. It's interesting to see within the experience of a young man in Vietnam trying to find himself.
As you may or may not know from my other conversations or blog entries, I've been in a rut for a long time. Thanks to a dear friend, I finally recognized some of my problems. I have a lot of anger, fear and frustration inside. That took a long time to find out. That was the reason for a lot of self sabatoge in my work, relationships and opportunities that were given to me. I'm just "stuck". I've discussed that with some of my friends and colliges over the years from Silicon Valley Debug. Being stuck means being in a place where you are not able to push forward. My friend helped me to realize that this concept that SV Debug discussed is true in me. I feel I can't push forward because something inside is greatly holding me back. I feel I can't move forward with my life because of it. Some tell me that I am depressed. I don't like the things I used to. I don't do the things I used to. However, it's been a long history of negative thinking and self sabatoge that I need to deconstruct and push forward to cause for greater good. I finally drew again today. It's a blessing to me. I am finally writing again too! My dear friend Quynh helped me to realize that I need to finish college and it's an investment. She told me all the things I needed to hear all of last year. I saw her for bun bo hue yesterday (it's a spicy beef noodle soup). Spending time with her made me feel so great after she told me about how her life is currently like because I could so identify with her. Also I feel that perhaps I could do it too. I'm 25 years of tears old. I think I screwed up my financial aide, but I think I can still do loans. I'm working out my committment issues and making changes in my life everyday little by little. I thank the heavens above for it. The biggest obstacle was recognizing that I wasn't cursed, I'm not mentally lame, and it really was me that was causing the problems.
The mind and spirit are powerful forces in our lives that cause great change for us and others. Anger can cause a lot of health problems. I'm just glad that at least I am seeing better days now. Now that I recognize what some of the problem, I feel a great weight has been lifted. Being stuck causes me pains and illness on a daily basis, but a little better now.
There came a time when all that mattered was that single piece of paper that said you had finished the four freakin’ years in an educational institution to brand you a grown up, and if you didn’t you would be a loser. Those four years were the most trying, most awkward, embarrassing, pointless time of your life, but does it matter if you complain now? No. What mattered was that you did it and that you lived. You learned what it meant to be a friend and what it meant to lose them. You learned that hard work is the one thing that you know to wake up in the morning to do, and that not even the teacher was willing to put up the help when you need it most. You learned that if you really want something done, then you got to sacrifice to get that thing done even if it meant staying up night and day. Yes. You survived high school, now only to work on another set of years to mold you even further in college. I guess it just doesn’t end does it? But you got it. You have an official high school diploma. You did it. Now why couldn't you do the same for college?
It’s been 6 years since I’ve graduated from high school and I still don’t have my college degree. I still have problems that plague me. I still have problems finishing classes. I still have virtually no money, no honey, and sparse ideas or prospects for future plans. The economy is bad, and all I hear is that “you kids are lucky now a days to be going to school.” I’m not in school, so how lucky am I? All I ever hear is, “Aren’t you supposed to be in school now?” What the hell is that suppose to mean? I’m 24 years old, damn it. So I don’t look my age. Okay.
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Actually, I had a lot to write before I got to the computer. Now I just don’t have anything to write anymore.
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I want to live for the truth.
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There is something in my life that holds me back from living my life the way I want to, meaning living my authentic life, meaning feeling life myself, meaning thinking for and as myself, meaning thinking as a whole, healthy and loving person. I feel I’m being chased again by horrible things. I feel I want to live a good life, a great life, a healthy life, an aimable and satisifying life. I feel the enemy is stopping me from doing what I really feel. I feel I am being betrayed, cajoled, hurt into being a loser. I don’t want to be a loser, a dysfunctional mental case, a reject, a moron, a demented retard, or an imbecile rotting from the inside without knowing. I hate the feeling of dying. Unless the person has poetic liscense, is mentally or emotionally ill, or is a moron, no one wants to die. That is no justified to die. Okay. Maybe if they were going through enough pain, maybe it’s plausible that they would feel that way. But no one choses to feel fucked up, lost, evil, sick, or messed up in side. Or at least I don’t. I only want to feel it if that’s what I honestly feel. Honestly feeling is good, but handling it is another test and another issue. I am a loser. But today, I will think to myself that I am not to create change.
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..(I actually recite this somethimes when I'm really down. If it seems really weird to post this, if you knew me you might understand why I have to.)..
I am a success.
I create myself and my own life.
I believe in myself.
I am not poor.
I have poetry, art, intuition, great thinking,
and great qualities and gifts
and great masters envy me.
I am a careful, caring, cool, consciensous human being.
I am healthy.
I am living the life I want to or will soon.
I am a good person always in control of myself.
I love myself an others who deserve love from me.
I have the power to change myself if I don’t like myself
I am happy and know what happiness is.
I am worthy of love and the good things in life.
I am deserve to live my life.
I respect myself and others.
I am honest, forgiving, virtutous, have integrity in everything about me, beautiful, loving, brave, powerful while being gentile or brave.
I am kind and giving.
I am not mentally ill.
I am not having glitches and Am not a mess up in life.
I am a great artist.
I am a great conversationalist and listener.
I give great advice.
I work well no matter what the conditions are.
I am great as a friend, a loner, a wife, a leader, a family member, and am a great asset to any team or group.
People search me out to work with me.
I am famous and very very intelligent.
I will be rich someday, especially in the things that are important to me in life.
Won’t you say, and finally mean it, you’ll leave me alone.
My loved ones need peace and I refused to be owned.
Won’t say
Won’t say
You’ll just leave us alone.
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“Mom and Dad”
I’m sorry Mom.
I’m sorry Dad.
I’m sorry that I loved you.
I’m sorry Mom.
I’m sorry Dad.
I’m sorry for the day I was born.
I’m sorry Mom.
I’m sorry Dad.
I’m sorry for the things I did or didn’t do.
I’m sorry for trying to be myself.
I’m sorry my best was not enough.
I’m sorry Mom.
I’m sorry Dad.
Living is like dying.
I’m sorry Mom.
I’m sorry Dad.
I’m sorry for disappointing you.
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“You’re not here”
Don’t just stop and say that you’ll be there.
I just can’tsee it.
Don’t just say that your mine.
I know you won’t be there.
I know I won’t be fine.
Don’t just stop and say that you’ll be there.
I just can’t believe you anymore.
Don’t just say that it’s fine.
I just can’t stand that you’re walking out of my life.
Don’t just stop and say that you’re real.
My heart doesn’t see it.
Don’t just stop and say that you’re real.
My heart wants you to mean it.
.. ..
When I think of you 10/28/2008
When you say that you’ll be there.
When you say that you’ll swear.
When you say that I’m your only one.
My wish is you’ll be there.
.. ..
When you say that you love me.
When you say that it could be true.
When you say that nothing else matters.
I wish I was there with you.
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When you say that theres a heaven.
There’s a place for you and me.
When you say that you meant it.
There’s no one else for me.
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I know you won’t be here.
When I look in this house.
I just think that your lovely.
But I can’t help be lonely.
When you say there might be a place. A place for you and me. Won’t you say that you’ll be safe, but not just in my heart, you’ll be. When you say that you’ll be there. When you say that you’ll swear. When you say that I’m your one and only. My wish is that you’ll be there.
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“Invisible Man”
I want to see you. My invisible man. I want to touch you and give you all I am. I want you close, closer than I’ve been,
To see you. to want you means that I’ll win. I want to seeyou my invisible love. I want to touch you and give you all my time. I’m honest when I say this. I love you my invisible love. There’s no one like you out there for me. You know me like no one else. I trust someday you’ll be there because I hurt like no one else. No one understands why I love you so much. No one understands what we have because they don’t trust you like I do. Even though I hurt inside in heart, body and mind, my soul still shines for you because you exist for me and I for you. You hurt me a little each day. You trick me a little each day. You never give me what I ask for. But. I still love you. I’m powerless to what you do to me. I’m powerless to my ignorance of all this. But if I could love you, if I could be your friend, that’s all I really want. One day you’ll be good to me. That’s all I really really want. Someday I’ll see you my friend. And it won’t be sex talk. Someday it’ll be better somewhere down the line. You’ll love me too and you won’t be invisible anymore. I’ll finally be there foryou.
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“Do you like sex”
Doyou like sex? That’s what you ask me each time I hear from you. The questions never change. The intent is almost always the same. I don’t really know what you want, except for that. You offer to pay me even though I’m not there. Yet you know something about me. You have the power to change my heart and wants at will. Inside I hurt because of you. I wish I could change myself too. I want to be myself inside. Sometimes I scream a silent scream because nothing comes out. If you wanted a little sexy, I wouldn’t know how to be about it. I don’t really want to tell you because I’d disappoint you although I try. I don’t really like sex really. For you, I try. I’m trying to love you, but all you want is sexy. I can’t talk toyou the way I want to because all you want is sexy. We’re bad for each other. All right. You win. I’ll like sex tonight like everyday of every night that you’re here
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“Last Night”
Last night was a night to remember. You held me when I was soft and tender. I couldn’t promiseyou forever except for just that night. I loved the sound ofyour oo’s and ah’s. The performance was in splendor. Last night was a night to remember. You came with a light for my heart, sparks that were shimmery in colors and works that would never stop being a classic. I want to be a classic to you and seeyou when you do what you do. I know the night didn’t last for forever, but I will definitely remember last night for a long, long time.
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12.03.2008
“Your touch”
I’m known for having soft hands, not much like your’s. The callus of your touch touches me, just to let me know howyou are. I like it when you cross me most mornings, except each time come to realize hands like your’s won’t ever touch me even when I really want them to. I’m not dirty. I mean to hug or to hold, so my hands won’t forget your’s. Holding on close to something is better than nothing, but as my hand pretends to holdyours while holding my own. It’s a sketch, a drawing now, that draws ongoingly in my mind. I wonder about you sometimes. I hope you might come to touch my hand, and let it not be lonely like father time.
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“Dreamer’s Kiss 3”
I met a guy last night. Too bad it was just a dream. We traded awkward looks, and I was shy so I walked away. He didn’t bother to follow. I knew him from a long time ago. I woke up a little while later just thinking this will probably be it for a long, long time. I don’t think I’ll ever meet him ever again. Sometimes I wish my dreams would reoccur just so I could see him. I remember him in a dream. Too bad I was just dreaming.I was dreaming about a boy, I never knew and I never saw. It was a bitter sweet dream, just like the road of life and hope has been for me so far. I wish I could see it, that it was a more plausible path, not just in dreams. What is a dream to you and me, but something not real except for when we sleep. It won’t be a dream when I meet someone out there, maybe him, maybe better than a dream.
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02.02.2009
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Maybe I was wondering what last night was, but it was you.It was me. It was us beneath the moonlit sky. We were one and a million. We were stronger than any feelings. We were wonderful and together. Always one and a million.
People and places are spaces out sound and safe in the terany of exposed faces and spaces. Damn that doesn't make sense. Hmmmm...
Last night was simply a night to remember. In soft simple splendor we waited again for last night. You gave me something more beautiful than what I'm used to. You gave me hope in myself to believe. Then again, you think to yourself, how did I possibly do this? All I got her was a baked potatoe, some chili and chicken nuggets. But you were the hero of the night who saved me from my self and let me know that you cared. You my took me to lengths I would otherwise never go. That Wendy's was a testimony of our undying friendship. We ate those chicken nuggets together and knew we were friends. If you had known what I was thinking before you had come and the things I felt and saw during the years and months before you came, you wouldn't wonder why I feel like this over a chicken nugget or baked potatoe. Thank you my invisible friend. Thanks to you God.
